Posted By Lord Hannibal


I spoke to one of my best friends tonight for the first time in a while. One of the things I enjoy about our friendship is that we can go for weeks or months without speaking and pick up where we left off when we do.


He asked why he hadn’t heard from me in a while. I knew that I could be honest and tell him that I’ve been depressed. It turns out that he, too, has been depressed as of late, something I’m going to get into in a second.


In the meantime, I wish that more people understood that except in extreme cases, depression is intermittent. This allows people who are battling depression to do the same things that people who aren’t do, like go to group dinners, hang out at get-togethers, party, and talk to people.


The irony is that kickin’ it often exacerbates my depression, because I rarely feel any real sense of connection to the people I’m with when I am. That isn’t to say that I dislike them, nor am I suggesting that I’m better, smarter or more live than them necessarily. But even people who don’t know me all that well can tell that I’m not really enjoying myself. I can stay at home and feel alienated.


But alienation isn’t at the root of my depression. Believe it or not, I didn’t intend to discuss my depression in this entry.

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When I told my friend that I’m depressed, he asked, “What black man over the age of 30 isn’t depressed?” If there is a more poignant, urgent question regarding black men, someone please tell me what it is.


When I think about us … the things we black men do and say, it occurs to me that so much of it, even some of the apparently positive things, can be traced to depression. What are we depressed about? I think some of us have been in this state for so long that we’d have an easier time explaining why we’re right handed. Beyond that, black men are not encouraged to discuss our feelings or the reasons behind them.


In the macro, I think that the low expectations that people have of black men combined with the constrictive space that we’ve been allotted to operate within contributes to our depression.


Look, I’m not a doctor or a mental health professional. My opinions regarding black men and depression are based on my personal and vicarious experiences that amount to nothing more than anecdotes.


I believe that most black men are depressed and that the onset of this depression begins long before our 30th birthday. I also believe that there’s a direct correlation between depression and education among black males specifically, id est, the more learned a brother is, the more depressed he is.


Feel free to disagree, but also give some thought to the state of black men and ask yourself how we could let ourselves reach the point we have.


To the emotional detriment of many black men, not a week goes by without more bad news about us (collectively). We’re absentee fathers. We’re uneducated. We’re in jail. We’re unemployed. We’re strung out. We’re “suspect.” The invective directed toward black men from all quarters of society is relentless and at times overwhelming.


And it gets worse for the brother who has a degree or two, because we have another constituency to deal with: Corporate America, where we are feared and loathed. The people who run it don’t want us there. If we manage to get a job, people are running up in our face telling us we need to smile more often. I’ve had that happen to me three times. Smile? I’m not there to smile. I’m there to win. But if I play the role of Corporate Negro, now here Seth comes telling me that I’m not like the other black people he’s met. I know that sisters have similar encounters, but without question, at home, at work and at play, black men are the most scrutinised and criticised group of people anywhere. No one has it harder than we do, and that is without exception.


That doesn’t and shouldn’t excuse us from living up to our responsibilities to ourselves, our loved ones and our community. But until more of us come to a place of emotional balance and, eventually, functionality, the bad news about many black men isn’t going to improve.


There are black women who believe in and support us, but one mistake that too many brothers make is counting on our women to take the lead financially and emotionally. That model doesn’t exist outside of the black community. White men, Hispanic men and Asian men take the lead and handle their business. We find a way to do everything else. We have to find a way to take control of our emotional well-being.

(Blogger’s note: I’m back after a brief hiatus. My mind is abuzz with thoughts, some good, some bad, some hopeful, some dreadful, some rational and some that I can’t categorise. I’m all over the place. I wonder if I’m having a nervous breakdown. Things that shouldn’t matter to me bring me to the point of tears. I’m angry, wistful, detached and disillousioned, but there are times when I feel a sudden, heightened sense of humanity, one that allows me to empathise with complete strangers and show warmth toward people I know. I’ve prayed, stopped praying and then prayed again without thinking about it. It’s unlike me to be this candid but I need to get it out. This entry may strike some as incoherent but it provides a snapshot of where I am at this point in time. To see me you wouldn’t know it, but I’ve been less than a step away from losing it since last fall. I’m tired.)